Home Run Etiquette

Hitting a ball that is less than 3 inches in diameter with a bat that is 2 and five eighths in diameter over 400 feet is incredibly difficult. Oh and by the way, that tiny ball is coming at the hitter at 95 miles per hour.

In 2012, there were 1.01 home runs per game played throughout MLB. It is rare that a fan catches a home run ball in the stands. There are much less seats in the outfield than there are behind home plate. If you are lucky enough to have a home run ball hit in your general direction, you have to do battle with the other eager fans around you who will put their bodies on the line for a baseball worth about two dollars.

It is very senseless that people stampede over others for a baseball. Myself and the esteemed writers at Patch.com do not condone violence over a home run baseball. Now that I have said what I am legally obligated to say, let me give you some advice that will help you get that two-dollar baseball.[1]

1. Go to a game with low attendance.

This should be no problem at Anaheim stadium. Sorry but it had been quite awhile since I had taken a jab at the Angels in an article and I had to here.[2] They draw small crowds which create a perfect environment for home run catching. You don’t need to be a statistics expert to realize that the odds of getting a home run ball in a packed stadium are not in your favor.

2. Make sure there are little to no children around you.

There are a couple reasons why this is important. The first one is for child safety and blah blah blah. Obviously nobody wants a kid to get hurt and we don’t want to ruin the ballpark experience for a family. Another and much much more important reason, is kids can easily guilt trip you into giving your hard-earned home run ball back. You get your ball and pump your fist and a small child with his or her adorable eyes will walk up to you with their hand out asking for the ball. Your entire section will mercilessly boo you if you don’t give the ball to the little kid. If you want a home run ball avoid kids all together.

3. Examine the men around you.

You know how some guys walk into a bar, take a look around, and decide what guys they can take in a fight and what guys they might need backup for? No? Me either. I am not going to pretend to be tough. But some guys, especially bouncers, do this every night.[3] When you get to your seat in the outfield you have to do a quick recon on all the guys around you.

Things to watch out for:

Tattoos: Tattoos don’t automatically make a guy tough, but you’re still taking a risk. Based on personal experience I say about 64% of guys with tattoos are  somewhat tough. Don’t try to defy the odds.

Big arms: You don’t want to be in a scrap over a baseball with a guy that can bench twice your bodyweight. He will take you to the ground. He will embarrass you.

Loud girlfriend: If he has a loud girlfriend, chances are he is pissed off. Pissed off people excel in physical combat. He has thick skin and a lot of built up anger.[4]

4. Box out.

Use the same box out techniques you learned playing basketball as a kid. Do the “booty bump” patented by Shaquille O’Neal. Use your arms and even your elbows in extreme cases to clear the area for yourself. This is where #3 comes in handy. You aren’t going to box out a little kid or a guy twice your size.[5] Use this with caution.

5. Don’t take your eye off the ball.

It’s the first thing your little league coach taught you and for good reason. Let’s face it, a home run ball coming directly at you is the most high pressure situation you have faced in years, maybe even your entire life. Television cameras are on you, the whole stadium is following the ball looking to see where it lands, and bench players in the dugout are ready to judge you. Don’t take your eye off the ball and risk losing sight of it. Nothing is more embarrassing than dropping the ball and having someone around you get it. If you drop the ball everyone in the stadium is morally required to boo you. And you will deserve it.

6. NEVER throw the ball back.

Peer pressure is bad kids. It is customary to throw a home run ball back onto the field if the visiting team hits said home run. This is beyond stupid. You will likely never catch another home run ball in your life. You want that ball as a memento of your hard work and ability to read this article. Don’t throw it back just because a couple of drunk guys are yelling at you. If you are the idiot who throws the ball back, make sure you throw it as far as possible. Nothing is worse than throwing a ball back and barely getting it onto the field. If you throw it back, you better throw it all the way back to the mound like Henry Rowengartner in “Rookie of the Year”[6]

7. If you get hurt, wait at least 2 minutes to grimace.

If you make a home run catch, odds are it is going to hurt. That ball is flying at you from over 400 feet away. It is guy code to catch the ball, fist pump with the ball in the air and sit down with a cocky grin. I don’t care if your hand is broken or you are bleeding profusely. Do not show pain. That television camera is going to be on you for at least a minute after the catch. The announcers will praise you, Kevin Millar will praise you on Intentional Talk and you will be a hero for five minutes. If you show that you are hurt after catching the ball, you are subject to national ridicule. You don’t want to end up on SportsCenter’s “Not Top 10 Plays of the Week” or being made fun of by the nerdy baseball analysts on MLB Network. Just tough it out for a couple minutes.

If you remember these things you will be in pretty good shape at the next game you attend. My readers, all 17 of you, have a leg up on the competition. The only thing I ask is if you catch a home run ball let everyone around you know it is 100% because of Michael Huntley.

[1] Whatever you do, don’t buy a baseball at the team gift shop. They charge around five bucks for it and you will look sad. Your man card will be revoked if you buy a ball at the gift shop and try to pass it off as if you caught a home run ball.

[2] After months of mediocrity, the Angels finally lowered their ticket prices. You can get tickets on Stubhub for under six-dollars most nights.

[3] My buddy is a bouncer and does this every time I see him. He won’t admit it but he does it.

[4] Loud girlfriend is easy to spot. Usually wearing white short shorts, constantly complaining about being there, yelling at her man about liking some other girl’s Instagram selfie, and drawing attention from everyone around.

[5] Boxing out the loud annoying girlfriend is totally acceptable.

[6] One of my favorite movies as a kid. I considered deliberately breaking my arm because I thought I would suddenly throw 95 MPH and make a big league roster. They really should have a disclaimer on that film.